Ever get tired of trying?

I like to brainstorm. I know that God has made me a creative person for a reason. The hard part is...trying things....and trying to figure out what that reason is. I know one day that I will fall into the will of God in all of my creative messes...but right now...that seems a looong way off. I am a photographer at heart. I do not claim that to be my profession as of yet tho. I work to pay the bills. That means I have jobs that have nothing to do with my degree (English) or my passion (photography) in order to pay the bills. I work with computers and I work with kids. Yes, I have 2 jobs at the moment. This is because I took what was available...even if it pays less....so that I would have SOME income rather than NO income.

However, this complicates life though. I get home from work...and I am tired. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. This is not a good thing. But at the same time I don't really have all that many places to go. The majority of my close friends have moved away. The few that I have here are really busy. Where is a girl supposed to go hang out? I've done the coffee shop thing and have not made any new friends taking that route. I don't want to go to bars to meet people. I mean what's left? ...bookstores? mall? movies? They don't seem like ideal places to meet people. As far as meeting people at church goes...I 'll have to visit new churches. The one I would call home right now...does not really feel like home. There were not many people my age to begin with and now several of them have left or moved away. I like the married couples in the church but they are not my age....and I am single...if I had a boyfriend maybe. But being the 3rd wheel is never any fun.

I just get tired of trying sometimes. Tired of trying different jobs, different churches, new friends, or how to reach old friends so we stay friends. The older I get the harder things seem to get. I never would have thought the friends I used to have....would be friends I USED to have. The only people who have always been there are my family. Sure, we have had our problems too... but we are family. I thank God that I have a close family. I don't know what I'd do without them.

As tired as trying new things makes me...I can't seem to stop. I am in pursuit of Gods will for my life and I know that doesn't mean that I am always happy or that it's always going to be easy...but I want to know that I am fulfilling Gods purpose. I think once a person has that...there is this peace that nothing can touch. I am close. I can feel it. I am a writer and a photographer. I just published a poetry book and had my first book signing. Once I got to my table and settled in (thats a story!)...I was fine! I felt at home... and I could have done it for hours. I hope one day I will get the chance.

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